


effortless

by failedjupiter



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Brief Mention of Suicide, Gen, Introspection, Michael-centric, but i dont think that matters, but thats just bc of how michael is :/, its just about michael and her feelings, written before i watched s3ep5
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:29:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27530794
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/failedjupiter/pseuds/failedjupiter
Summary: "It felt effortless to her. To love. To care. It was easy when the people she cared for the most needed her support. They needed her to be strong for them, to help them. Because, if it wasn't her who would it be? Who would help them, love them, care for them? No, it had to be her"Instead of letting herself go back to the way she was she grows and learns and reflects. She realizes a lot about herself and who she was allowing herself to be. She finally allows herself to think about her own feelings.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 16





	effortless

**Author's Note:**

> maybe im projecting onto michael who knows all i know is that she deserves love and happiness <3 #LetMichaelBeHappy

It felt effortless to her. To love. To care. It was easy when the people she cared for the most needed her support. They needed her to be strong for them, to help them. Because, if it wasn't her who would it be? Who would help them, love them, care for them? No, it had to be her.

So she did. She pushed past everything she felt for the sake of the people around her. Her whole life on hold so others could grow. It was so simple. All she had to do was help them breathe and she would feel fulfilled. Or, at least feel whatever her version of fulfillment was. She was used to blocking out her emotions. Why think about her own life when she was needed by others. Was that not enough?

She never thought about how it would feel to be taken care of for once. She never wondered how it would feel to experience the love she gave. It hurt to think about at times, the fact that she gave more. Reflexively supportive, that's what she was, and she was ok with it. There was nothing else she could do. Her heart ached for the ones she loved. Why did they have to suffer so much? This, she believed, was the source of her sadness. The fact that the people she loved were unhappy.

And maybe it was, just a little bit at least. Because she did love to an extreme level. She loved too much. She loved so deeply even when it was not reciprocated. The one time it was, that love was taken away from her. Never to be seen again. She was 1,000 years away from him. From so many people she loved.

She was completely alone in this new time, this new world. The thought made her sick. Who was she? Who was she when everyone she cared for was out of reach. Her tether to existence was her need to help. How could she help the people she loved most when she didn't even know where they were. Her identity was slipping. Who _was_ she?

No, she couldn't give up. She’d wanted to give up so many times over. Her life meaning nothing to her. And why should it when she could use her life to help others, to help the universe. She didn't need to think about her own wellbeing as her life was in the hands of other people. Her own feelings were meaningless if they didn't align with what needed to be done. But this time she _had_ to keep going. This time her life meant finding her friends. It was not to be thrown away.

She met a mysterious man with a name so human it gave her hope. His refusal to let her in was nothing she hadn't encountered before. Everything started to feel a little familiar as she set her sights on getting his help. On getting him to open up and let her in. It turned out he had an abundance of love as well. She felt connected.

After all she’d been through during _the day_ no else had ever experienced, she had a revelation. Why still be reflexively supportive towards others when the only person she was in charge of was herself? There was no reason to lay down her life when she could take time to care for herself. Yes, she was still looking for her friends. It was impossible for her to stop caring for the others altogether. She still loved them. But the chance of her seeing them again kept fading. It kept fading while she kept growing. It was difficult to learn how to exist by yourself, to care about yourself.

She wasn't completely alone of course. She had Book and his fat cat for company. At times, that felt like enough. She felt herself think less and less of the people that had relied on her so much. At least here she was given space to exist for herself. Some would say she let them go, but she felt like she let herself grow.

She was healing. She could breathe again for the first time since she lost her parents. She felt free, not held down or restricted by overbearing rules and regulations. She might’ve even said she was happy.

Mid conversation her communicator beeped. She hadn't forgotten that might happen, but she wasn't thinking about it. It's not as if she didn't miss them, it was just that she was different. She was not the same woman she was when she first arrived here, or who she was when she was on that ship. Everything was different.

She didn't want to fall back into old habits. She was doing better and she could _feel_ it. It had only been a day for them. She had a whole year to figure out how to exist by herself, they had _one day_ without her. They didn't get the chance to learn how to exist without her. That scared her. It would be so difficult to be reflexively supportive now.

This difference in time would not be easy to ignore. They were all the same as they were before. And she _did_ miss them. They were her friends, how could she not? But the simple fact was that she worked differently now. She lived differently. She was different. That was undeniable. She knew they could sense her hesitance to be back. She just wasn’t used to this life anymore. She wasn’t used to who she was during her time on _Discovery_. It felt a little like an act. Putting the uniform back on with Book by her side made her feel fake. She was living a lie. This wasn’t who she was anymore. It couldn’t be.

She felt as if she was getting sucked back into someone she didn’t represent anymore. Being asked to put her own feelings aside to help someone. She acted like she didn’t mind. But did she have to do everything? It was no longer effortless. She could feel herself getting tired.

It hadn’t occurred to her before, not really, but she didn’t have to stay here anymore. This didn’t have to be her life. She was experiencing days no one else ever had before. Why should she still and try to navigate a life that felt fake. Michael was tired of feeling fake. She was tired of pretending she was the same. They were not showing her the same amount of care and understanding she showed them. Perhaps they never had. That hurt to think about. It hurt her to know that she had been giving more than she had been receiving. However, at this point she had become content and at peace with her new life. Seeing her friends was a plus but maybe she had let devotion delude her. Maybe Michael’s place was not here in her old life, but out there with the rest of the universe. She hadn’t given up on restoring Starfleet. She was already doing that. Why should she not continue where she didn’t have to stop herself. It seems she had outgrown _Discovery_. She had finally learned who she was.

**Author's Note:**

> ty for reading <3 i hope u guys liked this little self indulgent thing i wrote shfjddj. pls tell me what u think ily have a good day/night <3


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